By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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