I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
