how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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