She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
