Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
