I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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