Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
