was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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