Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
there's paper in my vomit.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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