i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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