I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
