I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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