OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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