It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
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Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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