I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
