In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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