Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
