I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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