Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
