He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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