when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
