he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
