Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
