If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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