im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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