So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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