I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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