I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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