Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
