my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
