the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
