Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
