I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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