A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
40s are totally the cure
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
