She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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