Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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