Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
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Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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