I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
