I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
