What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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