Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
