I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
