I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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