I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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