Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
