Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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