Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
