I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
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It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
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I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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