We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
