I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
