I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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