my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
