Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
