I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
